Kamala Harris’ Philadelphia Book Tour Draws Just One Half-Excited Fan—Herself

(Crankers.com) PHILADELPHIA—In what political insiders are calling “a masterclass in self-love and optimism,” Vice President Kamala Harris kicked off her latest book tour in Philadelphia Monday, only to discover that her sole attendee was, in fact, herself.

Clutching a copy of her own memoir, Harris reportedly spent 45 minutes passionately applauding, nodding, and whispering encouraging affirmations to herself. “You’re doing amazing, Kamala,” she reportedly said during a particularly moving passage about resilience. “Nobody else may be here, but your energy fills this room.”

Event organizers were initially optimistic about turnout, citing early RSVPs from “an anonymous supporter” and “one very enthusiastic ghost.” When doors opened, however, Harris entered to find empty chairs and a single bouquet of flowers that she had pre-ordered for herself.

Undeterred, Harris took the opportunity to host an intimate Q&A. Questions were exclusively posed by her reflection in a full-length mirror. Topics included:

What inspired you to write this book? (Answer: “I did, obviously.”)

How do you handle criticism? (Answer: “I hug myself and keep going.”)

Are you excited to meet your fans? (Answer: “I’m ecstatic to meet me.”)

Social media reacted with predictable amusement. One Twitter user wrote, “Philadelphia showing up for Kamala’s book tour exactly as expected: with one person, which is ironically Kamala herself.”

Harris closed the event with a rousing speech to the empty room, punctuated by self-high-fives and a heartfelt standing ovation. “It doesn’t matter if there’s one fan or a million,” she said, addressing no one in particular. “As long as that one fan believes in you… and that one fan is very, very fabulous, everything is possible.”

Meanwhile, local bookstores reported that her book sales had spiked only after a friend of Harris purchased 12 copies to prevent her from feeling lonely.

Analysts called the event “an impressive demonstration of confidence in the face of minimal turnout” and “the most personal book tour in American political history.”