(Crankers.com) In a twist that shocked both the legal and furniture worlds, former FBI Director James Comey was indicted Thursday on charges of “Grand Theft Ergonomic.” Federal prosecutors allege Comey masterminded a multi-year scheme to sneak into government buildings and quietly roll away with office chairs.
The indictment claims Comey, a towering 6’8”, used his height as cover. “Witnesses assumed he was just carrying the chair back to his desk,” said one investigator. “In reality, he was wheeling them into an unmarked van labeled *‘Chair Repair Services.’*”
Authorities estimate he collected more than 147 chairs, ranging from basic swivel seats to high-end leather recliners. One particularly daring heist allegedly involved a White House Situation Room chair, which Comey swapped out with a flimsy folding chair from Costco.
Neighbors in Comey’s Virginia suburb say they had long suspected something unusual. “We saw trucks unloading chairs at all hours,” said one. “We thought he was opening a Staples.” Another added, “I asked to borrow a chair for Thanksgiving. He said, ‘Sorry, they’re all classified.’”
Prosecutors say the motive remains unclear. Some believe Comey was building a personal “Throne of Accountability” in his basement. Others claim he was preparing to launch a rival company to IKEA called “SubPOEnas.”
Comey’s lawyer dismissed the charges as absurd. “My client simply has long legs and requires extra seating. This is a witch hunt by Big Furniture.”
The trial is expected to begin next spring. Court officials are already nervous. The judge has requested his chair be bolted to the floor.
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