(Crankers.com) CHAPPAQUA, NY—Declaring that she is “tired of the division” and wants to “see humanity come together in harmony,” former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton held a press conference Thursday calling for universal peace, before clarifying, “well, for everyone except Republicans, of course.”
“Peace is the noblest goal humanity can strive for,” Clinton told reporters, pausing briefly to sip from a glass of Chardonnay. “I envision a future where children can grow up without fear, communities can prosper without violence, and nations can resolve disputes without war—unless we’re talking about Republicans. They can continue living in a state of unending social, political, and spiritual conflict.”
Clinton went on to explain that her dream was a planet where Democrats, independents, and “the sane 40% of people who still read facts” can coexist in blissful cooperation, while Republicans are exiled to what she described as “a permanent Thunderdome of their own making.”
“Imagine all the people, living life in peace,” Clinton mused. “Now imagine the Republicans, sitting in traffic with no air conditioning, arguing about gas stoves while throwing soup cans at each other. That’s my utopia.”
When asked to clarify whether her vision excluded moderate Republicans, Clinton nodded. “Yes. Them too. Honestly, especially them. At least the hardcore ones are honest about being awful.”
Republican leaders quickly condemned the remarks, with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) calling the comments “dangerously divisive” before admitting he was “actually a little flattered to be living rent-free in Hillary’s vision of hell.”
At press time, Clinton was reportedly revising her definition of peace to include “everyone except Republicans, lobbyists, anyone who still brings up my emails, and the New York Times editorial board.”
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