(Crankers.com) NEW YORK—In a move that shocked literally everyone except maybe Kanye West, Donald Trump announced Monday that he had purchased TikTok and would now be running the platform “like nobody has ever run a social media app before, believe me.” Alongside the acquisition, Trump also revealed his new preferred pronouns: “Me/Bigly.”
“I’m the best at pronouns, everybody says so,” Trump told reporters in his gold-trimmed office. “Some people say I should have gone with ‘The Donald/The Tremendous,’ but Me/Bigly is classy, strong, and very, very winning.”
The announcement came just hours after a leaked TikTok strategy memo showed plans to replace trending dances with daily briefings, policy updates, and occasional shoutouts to Mar-a-Lago golf tournaments. “We’re going to make TikTok great again,” Trump explained. “No more of these boring dances. People want leadership content. They want videos of me pointing at things. Very powerful.”
Early reactions on social media have been mixed:
* Creators lamented that viral dance trends would be replaced by “executive orders in 15 seconds or less.”
* Some users applauded the new “TikTok VIP” program, which promises direct access to Trump’s cat-themed golf trophies.
* Linguists expressed concern about the pronouns, warning that “Me/Bigly” could confuse sentences like “Me/Bigly went to the store” or “Me/Bigly is very presidential.”
In a surprise twist, Trump also revealed plans to introduce a new TikTok feature called “Fact Check by Trump”, which will automatically label any video that disagrees with him as “Sad!” or “Fake News.”
“I’m not canceling anyone,” he insisted, waving a small American flag. “I’m just making sure everything on TikTok is tremendously correct, tremendously fun, and tremendously me. Bigly me.”
Meanwhile, the hashtag #MeBigly began trending almost immediately, though not entirely organically—some say Trump himself was filming TikTok dances of him flailing in gold chains to ensure maximum virality.
Analysts remain skeptical about the purchase, noting that owning a platform designed for Gen Z entertainment while insisting on pronouns like “Me/Bigly” might be “too chaotic even for social media.” Trump, however, dismissed critics: “Chaos? No, it’s strategy. The best strategy. Everybody says so.”
If you're looking for real news, then go to TrendingViews.com. Thanks. Choo choo bye.