(Crankers.com) WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that has baffled engineers, commuters, and physics teachers alike, former President Donald Trump announced Thursday that escalators will be banned across the United States, citing concerns that “they’re just too fancy, folks, too fancy—and frankly, very un-American.”
“Stairs built this country!” Trump proclaimed at a rally in Mar-a-Lago, pacing energetically on a temporary staircase. “Abraham Lincoln took stairs. George Washington took stairs. And I—your favorite president—took stairs all the time. Escalators? Never trusted them. They’re sneaky, very sneaky.”
The proposed ban, which would require all shopping malls, airports, and metro stations to remove or disable escalators within the next 90 days, has already prompted confusion among business owners. One airport manager reportedly asked, “Do you mean the moving stairs that save people from heart attacks? Or…?”
Trump defended the ban as a “tremendous boost to American health,” promising that the new policy would help citizens “burn calories, build character, and get off their lazy, escalator-loving butts.” He added that elevators would remain acceptable, but only if they play the national anthem while in operation.
The announcement has sparked a variety of reactions:
* Health experts warn that forcing people to take stairs could lead to mass knee injuries.
* Conspiracy theorists speculate that escalators were part of a secret plot by Big Foot to infiltrate shopping malls.
* Trump supporters praised the move, calling it “the best step—literally—toward making America vertical again.”
In a final flourish, Trump unveiled a golden staircase prototype, emblazoned with his name in giant letters. “This is how real Americans go up,” he said. “No moving steps. No nonsense. Just stairs, pride, and a little bit of bling.”
When asked how the policy would be enforced, Trump replied, “Simple. We’ll have stair police. Very strong people. People who know stairs. They’ll make sure no sneaky escalators are trying to trick you. It’s going to be yuge.”
Meanwhile, engineers have begun frantic calculations on how to convert the entire U.S. escalator infrastructure to stairs, prompting many citizens to wonder: Do we get refunds for all the extra steps, or just extra calf muscles?
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