Britain Firmly Rejects “Communist” Kier Starmer, Demands Tea and Slightly Right-Leaning Policies Instead

(Crankers.com) LONDON—In a stunning display of national consensus, Britain on Wednesday officially rejected Labour leader Kier Starmer, labeling him a “dangerous communist” despite his repeated insistence that he merely enjoys slightly heavier taxation and occasional union meetings.

“Look, we love tea. We love queuing. We even love complaining about the weather. But we do not love communism,” Prime Minister Rishi Sunak said during a press briefing, sipping Earl Grey with the kind of gravitas only centuries of polite British disapproval can confer. “Starmer is threatening everything from our bacon sandwiches to our slightly awkward relationship with Europe.”

The term “communist” has been applied with alarming flexibility. In addition to Starmer, sources report that anyone who:

* Asks for free NHS check-ups
* Advocates for workers’ rights
* Occasionally frowns at privatization

…is now immediately branded a Marxist menace.

Starmer, for his part, appeared confused but unbowed, saying, “I am not a communist. I just believe in fairness and—” before being interrupted by a Conservative MP waving a Union Jack.

Political analysts say the rejection is as much about optics as ideology. “Britain has a long history of labeling mildly left-leaning people as communists,” said one historian. “It’s practically tradition. It’s like calling a warm cup of tea a revolutionary act.”

In response to the controversy, British citizens have reportedly:

* Increased their tea consumption by 12%
* Complained more loudly about public transport
* Started wearing Union Jack socks to remind everyone they are very, very British

Meanwhile, Starmer has vowed to continue advocating for policies that are “slightly socialist, mostly legal, and definitely not hammer-and-sickle-level extreme,” a position that has so far failed to convince anyone not to call him a communist at dinner parties.

The Prime Minister summed up the national sentiment succinctly: “We don’t want Stalin. We don’t want Lenin. We just want people to apologize when they bump into us on the Tube.”