(Crankers.com) IRELAND —In a discovery that has left climatologists simultaneously horrified and slightly bewildered, scientists announced Monday that Rosie O’Donnell’s personal emissions are now contributing measurably to climate change.
“After extensive testing, we’ve confirmed that Ms. O’Donnell produces enough flatulence in a single day to influence local weather patterns,” said Dr. Karen Winters of the National Atmospheric Research Institute. “It’s not catastrophic… yet. But the trend is concerning.”
According to reports, O’Donnell’s notorious digestive system emits gases at a frequency and volume that could, if unmitigated, increase global temperatures by 0.0001 degrees per week. While seemingly negligible, researchers warned that the long-term effects could include:
Spontaneous heat waves in Ireland
Localized rainstorms during tapings of daytime talk shows
Minor panic among nearby dogs
Rosie herself addressed the reports on social media, tweeting: “I’ve always said I was full of hot air, but I didn’t know I was literally affecting the climate! #ClimateRosie #FartPower.”
Fans have reportedly embraced the phenomenon, with some suggesting her emissions could replace fossil fuels: “Honestly, if Rosie’s farts could power a city, I’d move there tomorrow,” one admirer posted.
Environmentalists, however, are less amused. “We appreciate celebrity enthusiasm for sustainability,” said Greta Thunberg (via a very small inhaler), “but relying on human flatulence—even Rosie’s—is not a viable long-term solution.”
Meanwhile, Hollywood studios are reportedly considering new accommodations for O’Donnell, including:
Carbon-neutral filming tents
Personal windbreakers on set
Emission-tracking apps to alert crew when Rosie is “approaching critical fart levels”
By afternoon, O’Donnell’s emissions had allegedly caused a minor thunderstorm over Beverly Hills, prompting meteorologists to caution residents: “Stay indoors, keep your umbrellas handy, and maybe… avoid spicy burritos.”
In an ironic twist, climate activists are now lobbying to harness Rosie’s powers for clean energy, dubbing the project “Fart of the Future.” O’Donnell responded: “Finally, my talent is being recognized for something other than roasting celebrities. The planet may just thank me someday!”
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Rosie really knows how to make a storm brew lol. Who knew farts could be so powerful? #FartPower
While the concept of utilizing human emissions for energy is humorous, the real focus should be on reducing our carbon footprint through sustainable methods.
is this for real? can one person’s flatulence actually change the weather? sounds fishy to me.
imagine getting blamed for a thunderstorm cuz you ate too many beans haha rosie’s living the dream
Intriguing article, Frankie Fingers. It’s essential to explore all potential impacts on our climate, though this is certainly one of the more unique cases.
But do you think it’s actually feasible to measure someone’s personal contribution to climate change?
Great, now we’re blaming people for the weather. what’s next, taxing us for breathing too hard?
Fascinating article, Frankie Fingers! It’s always enlightening to see new and unconventional topics being discussed in the realm of climate change. Perhaps Rosie can lead us to more green energy solutions!
While amusing, this highlights a bigger issue about our daily contributions to climate change, intentional or otherwise.