(Crankers.com) LOS ANGELES—In an emotional monologue that stunned late-night audiences Tuesday, Jimmy Kimmel publicly apologized for what he described as “two solid decades of deeply mediocre comedy,” admitting that his body of work “should’ve been illegal under the Geneva Conventions.”
“I need to be honest with you,” Kimmel told viewers, his voice breaking as a montage of his old monologues played in the background. “From 2003 onward, I delivered joke after joke that was, at best, a dad pun and, at worst, a war crime against humor. I laughed at them anyway, because nobody else would. For that, I am truly sorry.”
Kimmel went on to personally apologize to his audience, his writers, and “anyone who has ever fallen asleep with the TV still on and woken up to me doing a limp Trump impression.”
“Comedy is supposed to heal and unite,” he continued. “Instead, I forced America to sit through 6,000 jokes about Matt Damon, each one less funny than the last. In hindsight, that was cruel and unusual punishment.”
The confession has sparked widespread debate among comedy critics. “Kimmel’s apology is long overdue,” said TV historian Paula Mitchell. “But to be fair, America also owes him an apology for pretending to laugh for 20 years just to be polite.”
At press time, Kimmel vowed to “earn back America’s trust” by experimenting with new material, such as reading jokes directly off a Laffy Taffy wrapper.
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